Someone I Love is Gay
After the shock of hearing that your son, daughter or spouse deals same-sex attractions and/or homosexual
behavior, you feel like you've been hit by a bombshell. Especially in Christian homes, your emotions are
overwhelmed with a mixture of grief, confusion, and even blame. Suddenly life seems out of control and
you're left wondering, "What do I do now?"
You want to take control of the situation and "fix" them, but you cannot force them to do what you would
want or even what God would desire for them.
As you face this life-crippling situation, it is important to remember that your son, daughter or spouse has
been dealing with this for years. Guilt and grief are often two huge issues that accompany this situation.
Questions like, "Where did I go wrong?" or getting stuck in the "If Only..." syndrome start to haunt you, and
can be tough to overcome. Obsessing over the past will not change anything. The best approach is to move
forward in God and with God.
First, give yourself time to work through the grief which is the most common emotional reaction. The grief
cycle's four phases are:
1. Shock - emotional release, numbness, physical symptoms, denial
2. Protest - sorrow, anger, panic, searching
3. Disorganization - yearning, isolation, loss of interest in life, depression, resistance to normalcy
4. Reorganization - facing reality, find new meaning to life, new sense of hope, decrease of sadness, learning
to "let go," accepting responsibility.
Even if your loved one comes out of homosexuality, you will never see them in quite the same way again. So,
in that sense, the way you look at this person is changed forever. That is a loss of great magnitude which is
one reason why grief is such an enormous issue.
There are some steps that you can take to help you work through the grief and other emotions so that you
can start moving forward in God.
* Get on your knees - Pray, Pray, Pray; pray for yourself and for your loved one.
* Get informed - read and learn reliable information concerning homosexuality
* Get connected - focus on your own spiritual growth by staying connected with Christ
* Get support - seek support from other Christians who are walking the same road
* Get honest - accept responsibility for any mistakes you might have made in the past without sulking under
a "shadow of blame."
* Get involved - offer support to others who are traveling the same road you've already traveled.
After the shock of hearing that your son, daughter or spouse deals same-sex attractions and/or homosexual
behavior, you feel like you've been hit by a bombshell. Especially in Christian homes, your emotions are
overwhelmed with a mixture of grief, confusion, and even blame. Suddenly life seems out of control and
you're left wondering, "What do I do now?"
You want to take control of the situation and "fix" them, but you cannot force them to do what you would
want or even what God would desire for them.
As you face this life-crippling situation, it is important to remember that your son, daughter or spouse has
been dealing with this for years. Guilt and grief are often two huge issues that accompany this situation.
Questions like, "Where did I go wrong?" or getting stuck in the "If Only..." syndrome start to haunt you, and
can be tough to overcome. Obsessing over the past will not change anything. The best approach is to move
forward in God and with God.
First, give yourself time to work through the grief which is the most common emotional reaction. The grief
cycle's four phases are:
1. Shock - emotional release, numbness, physical symptoms, denial
2. Protest - sorrow, anger, panic, searching
3. Disorganization - yearning, isolation, loss of interest in life, depression, resistance to normalcy
4. Reorganization - facing reality, find new meaning to life, new sense of hope, decrease of sadness, learning
to "let go," accepting responsibility.
Even if your loved one comes out of homosexuality, you will never see them in quite the same way again. So,
in that sense, the way you look at this person is changed forever. That is a loss of great magnitude which is
one reason why grief is such an enormous issue.
There are some steps that you can take to help you work through the grief and other emotions so that you
can start moving forward in God.
* Get on your knees - Pray, Pray, Pray; pray for yourself and for your loved one.
* Get informed - read and learn reliable information concerning homosexuality
* Get connected - focus on your own spiritual growth by staying connected with Christ
* Get support - seek support from other Christians who are walking the same road
* Get honest - accept responsibility for any mistakes you might have made in the past without sulking under
a "shadow of blame."
* Get involved - offer support to others who are traveling the same road you've already traveled.
On this page:
* Someone I Love is
Gay
* Just for Parents
* Just for Spouses
* Someone I Love is
Gay
* Just for Parents
* Just for Spouses
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| ...the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose HOPE is in His unfailing love, to deliver...and keep them alive... Psalm 33:18-19 |
As you recover from the initial shock, gain the information you need to understand the complicated issues surrounding
homosexuality, and reinforce your personal support system, you will still need to interact with your child. Here are a list of Do's and
Don'ts for Parents (2)
Do's:
* Love your child with all your heart at all times.
* Tell your child of your love for him/her.
* Pray for your child often.
* Agree with him/her as often as possible
* Pray for his/her friends to be saved and safe.
* See him/her as often as possible.
* Be in as much of his/her life as your child will allow you to be.
* Expect God's standards to be upheld by your child in your home.
* TRUST GOD!!
Don'ts:
* Do not argue about homosexuality with your child, (s)he is an adult and has a right to his/her opinion.
* Do not enable your child's homosexuality by supporting him/her financially in that lifestyle.
* Do not bring up the subject of homosexuality with your child everytime you see him/her.
* Do not criticize your child's friends, attire, living conditions, recreations etc.
* Do not allow your child to practice sexual acts in your home.
* Do not feel guilty.
* Do not get "Fed Up" and turn your back on your child.
* Do not discuss your child's sexuality with others behind his back.
* Do not be afraid! – "Casting the whole of your care (all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all) on Him,
for He cares for you, affectionately, and cares about you watchfully" I Peter 5:7
Maybe your teenage child hasn't admitted their same-sex attractions to you, but you have your suspicions. Even though they haven't
talked with you, there is the chance that they have sought help from a representative of the gay community to help them sort out
their feelings.
Another helpful resource is an article, "Warning signs Teenagers who
are in danger of being indoctrinated into homosexuality" (2) Click on
the "Watch Out" image to the right to view the article.
homosexuality, and reinforce your personal support system, you will still need to interact with your child. Here are a list of Do's and
Don'ts for Parents (2)
Do's:
* Love your child with all your heart at all times.
* Tell your child of your love for him/her.
* Pray for your child often.
* Agree with him/her as often as possible
* Pray for his/her friends to be saved and safe.
* See him/her as often as possible.
* Be in as much of his/her life as your child will allow you to be.
* Expect God's standards to be upheld by your child in your home.
* TRUST GOD!!
Don'ts:
* Do not argue about homosexuality with your child, (s)he is an adult and has a right to his/her opinion.
* Do not enable your child's homosexuality by supporting him/her financially in that lifestyle.
* Do not bring up the subject of homosexuality with your child everytime you see him/her.
* Do not criticize your child's friends, attire, living conditions, recreations etc.
* Do not allow your child to practice sexual acts in your home.
* Do not feel guilty.
* Do not get "Fed Up" and turn your back on your child.
* Do not discuss your child's sexuality with others behind his back.
* Do not be afraid! – "Casting the whole of your care (all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all) on Him,
for He cares for you, affectionately, and cares about you watchfully" I Peter 5:7
Maybe your teenage child hasn't admitted their same-sex attractions to you, but you have your suspicions. Even though they haven't
talked with you, there is the chance that they have sought help from a representative of the gay community to help them sort out
their feelings.
Another helpful resource is an article, "Warning signs Teenagers who
are in danger of being indoctrinated into homosexuality" (2) Click on
the "Watch Out" image to the right to view the article.
Just For Spouses
It is a heartbreaking scenario when homosexuality invades a marriage. Whether you've just found out that your spouse is gay, or
your spouse has deserted the marriage for a homosexual relationship, either way the heartache is enormous.
It is important to keep in mind, that most often, your spouse's homosexual issue pre-dated your marriage. Furthermore,
homosexuality almost always begins in a person's childhood, even if it doesn't manifest until adulthood.
You might be asking yourself, "Why do gays marry?" An increasing number of unsuspecting spouses are finding themselves in
covenant relationship with a homosexually-inclined individual. In the secular book, "The Other Side of the Closet", Dr. Amity Buxton
says that numerous studies reveal that about 20% of gay men and up to 35% of lesbians enter into heterosexual marriage.(3)
Reasons vary from hopes that their same-sex attractions will disappear to desire for social acceptance and approval.
Unfortunately, the stress of marriage can intensify their same-sex longings, and then these hidden problems rise to the surface. In
today's gay-affirming culture, they are encouraged to disregard their marriage vows and do what feels "right" at the expense of
hurting others. No matter the reasons, the trusting spouse left behind to pick up the pieces is not at fault, and is usually an innocent
bystander.
It is impossible for Bridge of Hope to give you answers to all of the questions that you might have. However, here are some potential
issues that you might be facing for which prayer is paramount:
* Fear - fear of losing income, home or security; fear of being alone; fear of humiliation.
* Self-image - you might think your appearance, behaviors or personality traits are somehow to blame.
* Intimacy - if you plan to work through this; gut-level discussions about feelings, rebuilding trust and sexual fulfillment will need to
take place.
* Children - what, when and how much to tell them about the homosexual parent; visiting rights in a separation or divorce.
* Health - you and your spouse might need to be tested for HIV.
* Maintenance -reconciliation, separation (as a step toward reconciliation) or divorce.
Separation and/or divorce might need to be considered if the homosexual spouse:
* is spending major unaccounted time away from the family
* appears to have given up trying to biblically resolve their homosexual issue
* shows a constant disregard for their partner's sexual health
* blames their spouse for all problems occurring in the marriage
* is exhibiting a pattern of habitual deception
As suggested for the parents, getting proper support is key. Family, friends, pastor and a support group can all play their respective
roles in helping you to get your life back on track. Now is not the time to question your faith. Let this unexpected circumstance
drive you closer to Jesus Christ. Take each day one at a time, and know that you're going to make it.
It is a heartbreaking scenario when homosexuality invades a marriage. Whether you've just found out that your spouse is gay, or
your spouse has deserted the marriage for a homosexual relationship, either way the heartache is enormous.
It is important to keep in mind, that most often, your spouse's homosexual issue pre-dated your marriage. Furthermore,
homosexuality almost always begins in a person's childhood, even if it doesn't manifest until adulthood.
You might be asking yourself, "Why do gays marry?" An increasing number of unsuspecting spouses are finding themselves in
covenant relationship with a homosexually-inclined individual. In the secular book, "The Other Side of the Closet", Dr. Amity Buxton
says that numerous studies reveal that about 20% of gay men and up to 35% of lesbians enter into heterosexual marriage.(3)
Reasons vary from hopes that their same-sex attractions will disappear to desire for social acceptance and approval.
Unfortunately, the stress of marriage can intensify their same-sex longings, and then these hidden problems rise to the surface. In
today's gay-affirming culture, they are encouraged to disregard their marriage vows and do what feels "right" at the expense of
hurting others. No matter the reasons, the trusting spouse left behind to pick up the pieces is not at fault, and is usually an innocent
bystander.
It is impossible for Bridge of Hope to give you answers to all of the questions that you might have. However, here are some potential
issues that you might be facing for which prayer is paramount:
* Fear - fear of losing income, home or security; fear of being alone; fear of humiliation.
* Self-image - you might think your appearance, behaviors or personality traits are somehow to blame.
* Intimacy - if you plan to work through this; gut-level discussions about feelings, rebuilding trust and sexual fulfillment will need to
take place.
* Children - what, when and how much to tell them about the homosexual parent; visiting rights in a separation or divorce.
* Health - you and your spouse might need to be tested for HIV.
* Maintenance -reconciliation, separation (as a step toward reconciliation) or divorce.
Separation and/or divorce might need to be considered if the homosexual spouse:
* is spending major unaccounted time away from the family
* appears to have given up trying to biblically resolve their homosexual issue
* shows a constant disregard for their partner's sexual health
* blames their spouse for all problems occurring in the marriage
* is exhibiting a pattern of habitual deception
As suggested for the parents, getting proper support is key. Family, friends, pastor and a support group can all play their respective
roles in helping you to get your life back on track. Now is not the time to question your faith. Let this unexpected circumstance
drive you closer to Jesus Christ. Take each day one at a time, and know that you're going to make it.
| For more information, e-mail us at parents@bohcolumbus.com. Briefly explain how you found out about us and how our ministry can be of assistance to you. |
Endnotes:
(2) Used by permission from Nancy K. Brown and LifeGuard Ministries
(3) Bob Davies, When a Loved One says, "I'm Gay." (Love Won Out Series, Focus on the Family, 2002), p. 21
(2) Used by permission from Nancy K. Brown and LifeGuard Ministries
(3) Bob Davies, When a Loved One says, "I'm Gay." (Love Won Out Series, Focus on the Family, 2002), p. 21
| To keep you encouraged and moving forward, Exodus Youth, a ministry of Exodus International, has developed a great resource page that will assist you on your search for understanding. |
| Someone I Love is Gay |
